Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers, a time to celebrate our passion for one another. But what happens after our child has died?

Our innocence is lost and it takes every ounce of strength to be civil or even interested in what our partners are saying.

www.sharingwisdom.us/Lisa-Buell/

What can I do to get through the sadness?

The Upward Turn

You may be feeling the burden of grief lifted slightly. You may notice a shift in your ability to keep things in your brain, your attention to details may be beginning to return. You may even start to laugh and enjoy a bit of life again. Resist the urge to retreat. It’s okay to have happiness, you aren’t betraying your child…your happiness helps to honor them. This is an excellent time to journal. Write your families story down. Keeping all the details of our child in our brain, while comforting, also takes a lot of energy and often doesn’t allow for other experiences. Writing our child’s story down makes their life indelible, gives us something tangible and allows us to create a little more space. Terri Daniels talks about how ritual helps families stay connected with their deceased children:

 

Reconstruction

There will be a time where you will find ways to build on the past while you continue to carry your child in your heart. The veil of grief will start to lift. Sometimes families choose to continue to build, have more children, invest in a new home, change careers or partners, or decide to go it alone. Some find ways to give back to the community that served them. Families like ours are constantly making a the world a better place by setting up foundations in memory of their children or serving on boards or giving to causes that honor their children’s memory. We continue to live, to build and our children are part of that construction and all that we make out of our lives.

 

Hope and Acceptance

There will be a time where you will find Hope again, it will certainly look different than the Hope of the past. If you had been caring for your seriously ill child you already know that hope changes over time. It can go from “I hope she lives, to I hope she gets to walk in graduation... to I hope she doesn’t die in pain.” Hope changes in bereavement, ebbing and flowing, as your grief shifts. If you let yourself sit in the stillness, you will find that Hope never left, it just changed. Your child’s spirit can live inside you and all the other places it needs to be. Acceptance can be a more challenging idea; some families need to find it before they can truly move through the grief, others may give it up to a higher power, many continue to feel better not accepting but are comforted by the idea of life being a mystery. Families find their way to continue to honor and celebrate their deceased children by celebrating birthdays, milestones, anniversaries. Parents erect memorial benches, start non-profits, donate their time and money to organizations that help families like theirs. However you choose to be in the world after the death of your child, know that you are not alone.

Update on Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 2:15PM by Admin

Will the pain of loss ever end? But instead time has been accepting.  Time has been understanding and patient.  Time has been sensitive and allowing.  Time hasn’t healed me or my wounds of grief, but has allowed me the space I need to heal.  Time has been my best friend just willing to sit with me in my pain and grief and tears and sadness and in my space of anger, guilt and confusion –knowing all along that I would get by and be okay.  Time gives me hope that I can do something more with my life.  Time inspires me to realize that though there is only a limited time we are here, there is so much we can do with it. Jim Santucci

Are their physical symptoms to grief?

There is a physical burden of grief that, left untreated, may result in serious problems down the road.

Some parents may experience:

• Decrease or Increase in Appetite

• Weight Loss or Gain

• Insomnia

• Fatigue

• Lower Immunity

• Depression

• Restless Sleep

• Nausea

• Aches and Pains

• Increase or Decrease in Sex Drive

Many parents talk about walking around in a fog for several months after their children have died. Keys are left in the refrigerator or on top of the car. We miss turns while driving, arrive late to appointments or show up on the wrong day. Life continues to feel completely overwhelming. It’s as if the world has been sped up and we can’t get in step.

Parents have said

• Every minute without my child feels like an eternity.
• I can’t take it, I don’t know how I am going to live without him.
• It feels like she’s still here, I don’t want to leave the house.
• If I leave his room the same, than maybe he’ll come back...I know it’s crazy.
• I felt like I mourned her during her illness, I am ready to have my life back.
• Trust that the agonizing, bone jarring grief will change. The seas will part and you will be on surer footing soon. Time does heal.
• If I can just get through this second without my child. Then it shifted to minutes. Over time it became hours and then days. I kept breathing and believing it was going to get better even though everything in my mind and heart proved it wouldn’t. I continued to survive and eventually thrive. Some people call it “Divine intervention,” for me, I know it was my child helping me- even when I couldn’t help myself. Maddy’s Mom-

Is Grief Linear?

Bereavement Is Complicated

http://www.sharingwisdom.us/about-bereavement/2011/2/9/bereavement-is-complicated.html

I know I can’t take away their loss, but what can I do?

Condolences don't always have to come through written or spoken words. There are many things loved ones and friends can do to remember the child who has died while still expressing their grief toward the family:
Listen.
Have a tree, flowers or bush planted in memory of the child.
Just give them a hug; no words are needed.
Don't remove pictures, artwork, etc. from your house for fear it may upset the bereaved parents.
If the deceased child had siblings, offer to take them out to a movie or to the park. They're grieving too and need attention.
Place flowers or another memento at the child's grave site, if applicable.
Make a monetary donation in the child's name to a local charity or hospital.
Send the parents some flowers or a plant.
Make a few meals in freezable containers and leave them at their house.
Hire a housekeeper/gardener to come in and take care of things for awhile.
Do not remove any of the child's stuff from the parents' house.
Just hold the parents' hands and allow them to cry or talk about their child.
If you live out of town, periodically send a postcard to family, just to let them know you are thinking about them.
Offer to scrapbook items about the child including birth and death certificates, obituary, locks of hair, hand prints and other cherished items.

What shouldn’t I say when to a friend/acquaintance when their child dies?

Most people really don't know what to say to a family who has lost a child. It doesn't matter if the child was stillborn, one month old or 30 years old -- he or she was still someone's baby, and should be treated as such. Try to be understanding without saying you understand, because unless you have walked in their shoes, you don't know the grief and loss they are feeling. But if you are still looking for the right words, here are some topics to avoid:
"It's better now than when (the child) is older."
"Now you have an angel in Heaven."
"At least you didn't get too attached to him or her."
"I understand."
"I know what you are feeling, because I've lost (fill in the blank)."
"You're young, you can have more children."
"Everything happens for a reason."
"God doesn't give more than you can handle."
"Are you feeling better yet?"

What do you say when a child dies?

Julane Grant, author of When your friend's child dies: a Guide to being a thoughtful and caring friend.
"I'm sorry."
"What can I do to help?"
"Tell me about your child."
"You and (child's name) are in my thoughts and prayers."
"Do you want to talk about (child's name)?"
"I will call you." (and really mean it)
"Take all the time you need."
"Please be patient with yourself."
"It's OK to cry."
"I don't know what to say." (be honest)